*Late night writings*
Some days I really wonder who I am or who I have become. I know who I want to be, I know that I have been striving to be more Christ-like. I know as I grow God keeps working in my heart and I change. Or at least, I make steps towards changing.
God has been showing me many areas in my life, over the past year or more, that I need to change and surrender to Him. Areas in being a better wife & mom, areas of time management and home making… the list could go on.
But as I would make changes and try to implement them into my life, I would get so discouraged by my tiredness and lack of energy to follow through. I would feel so bogged down by all the changes I seen I needed to make. I would make a good start, but then become grouchy and so wore out that I knew I would have to let it go.
I want to get up early in the morning and have my quiet time. I want to have a hot breakfast about ready to eat when my hungry boys stumble out of bed. Instead they come join this tired woman still laying in bed or just go out to play, while she tries catching a few more zzz’s. By the time breakfast is finally on the table, we are often more than a bit grumpy. And they are acting like they are starved.
I want to be the wife who cheerfully greets her husband at the door, when he comes in from a hard day of work. I want to be one who happily listens to him talk about his day. Not this woman who collapses in a frazzled and stressed ‘Here-you-finish-the-already-late-supper-and-take-care-of-the-hungry-grumpy-boys-while-I-take-a-nap’ heap. Where did she come from?
I have always enjoyed a good, lively conversation of lively, friendly banter in a room full of good friends. I was energized by activities and crowds. Now this woman shuns crowds and feels overwhelmed mentally and physically very fast. I don’t know this woman whose brain just doesn’t think of quick remarks to hand back or be the first to think of them.
I use to enjoy good conversations about life, my boys, my walk with God, etc. I enjoyed hearing of others lives. Now this ‘new person’ is obsessed with Lyme study, diet changes, recipes of foods we can eat, how our bodies work, and what is the best way to live in our toxic, unhealthy world. And that’s all she wants to talk about. Woe, be the ear that pauses to listen.
I used to have lofty goals and aspirations of how I would teach my boys this winter, a time of fun and learning together. I had dreams of spending lots of time playing together, field days, and learning outside. But now ‘that woman’ is just happy if she finds enough time and energy to read a few books to them.
I used to be fairly calm and steady emotionally. I never cried easily or got upset real fast. But now this ‘new’ person can cry at the drop of a hat. And she wears her feelings on her shirt sleeves and take comments way too personally!
Who is the real me and will I ever know her when she does finally stay around? I feel like a turtle who wants to hide in my shell and not come out until the drama is past and I can go back to being ‘normal’. Whatever that is.