Randomness from Loneliness

Written Sat. evening

I’m feeling lost and alone… Left behind and very emotionally unstable!!

I thought I was strong, I thought I would be able to handle this, I thought I would be perfectly fine! I thought wrong…
 
I am weepy, lonely, and feeling a bit sorry for myself!
 
It’s moments like this that makes me sooo glad that God so obviously worked it out for me to be down here and not at home and not able to attend my Grandpa’s funeral. No, it doesn’t make me feel all ok, it still hurts. I had thought I would be the one cousin that would for sure be at his funeral. I don’t understand it, nor will I try to. I am just glad I can trust God and his plan!! He obviously has His own reasons.
 
But I know I’m not strong enough to handle 2+ days of being with family!! But it’s hard to tell the heart that!!
 
The questions roll through my mind, wondering, ‘Why? Why now? Why couldn’t it have been next week?’ If so, I could have went. ‘Why do I have to be separated from all my close family and friends, now?? Especially when I know my huge family is mostly together. (My Dad has 10 siblings, so I have 55+ cousins.)  “So why now??’ It so much harder to be alone when you know everyone else it together. It’s not easy being alone-period!!
 
Those of you wives who are now alone, because of a death or a hubby who is deployed, and those whose hubby’s are not there for them the way God intended, my heart goes out to you in a whole new way!!
 
I have the promise of my hubby flying down here to spend a few days with me… (Today he told me it’s about 72 hrs yet.;) ) If my mom wouldn’t have had to go back home, I would have had to wait a whole 3 days longer. And now we get to have (an expensive) Anniversary/2nd Honeymoon for 3 days -Kid FREE!!! We haven’t been kid free that long since before they came. I don’t think I even need to say it will be great to reconnect with him, before the demands of home-life hit again. I’ll be able to give myself to the boys who are missing their Mom like crazy!! (Namely Jevan!!)
 
God has his plan, His purposes and I am so glad I can rest in Him. Even though these next few days are going to seem a bit long and lonely.
 
When I start feeling misunderstood, feel like no one is listening, I go into a box and shut the lid. I hibernate for a while, well, until someone if brave enough to pry open the lid, reach in showing care and understanding. Yes, I know, I am working on the problem, and I can say it is getting better. I keep working on not responding that way, and being so sensitive.
 
So yes, today was one of those days… I haven’t went online for 2 days, I didn’t feel like facing everyone’s sympathies, (though it does mean a lot to know my friends care!!) I don’t wanna read about my family that is together. I know I would just break down and cry all over again. So I might just stay in my box for a day or two.
 
Sat. and Sunday I have a Lymph Cleanse, one each day. And they are pretty intense. lets just say you drink LOTS of carrot/celery juice. As in 9 cups, diluted with an equal amount of water, drank 8 oz every 20 mins. (By the way, I’m tired of that drink now!!!) So I won’t be going anywhere…
 
-Written Sunday Night-
 
The end of the cleanses are in site… My last liver cleanse is Mon. night. Followed by a small intestine cleanse in the morning. Then Fri. morning I have the last one, a Whole Digestive Cleanse. And Sat. night we go home!!
 
I have moments of feeling very, very weak. It is hard for me to walk anywhere. When I feel that way, I just lay down perfectly still, til it passes. Normally within a couple hours!! Elana told me it is my body fighting the Lyme and to welcome it. By holding still all the energy is channeled into fighting!! And believe me, when I get a spell it is not hard to hold still for a long, long time like that!! I can also tell I wear out easily, I have been eating only veggies and grains for the last 2wks, to give my liver a break. In these 20 days that I am here, I will have fasted 7, not including the days I didn’t feel good enough to eat much from all the cleanses. But I can tell a difference in my body!! I feel more alive and more aware of how I feel after eating certain foods! It is amazing!!
 
I am feeling so random… tired… My Mother-in-Law sent a picture of my baby waving. I wanted to bawl. And he has only been away from me for a couple of days. When I had to tell my Mom and Rylen ‘good-bye’, it was so much harder then I thought!! But I know it was for the best. I could never have kept up with him by myself down here. He was becoming more and more attacted to me, and acting like a bear. He was bored alot and didn’t know how to play alone. And he needed to have his Dad back as a role model.
 
I was very worried of how he would do for Mom, but I need not have worried. He only had one moment of terror when he realized his Mom wasn’t in the plane with him and Grandma. But it soon passed. He was delighted to see his brothers and Aunts and cousin!!
 
So now the next few days I am focusing on relaxing and just resting. It has made me realize how much I was still pushing myself. We would take walks and end at the play ground so Rylen could play, we also tried sight-seeing. But I know now I was pushing myself a lot!!
 
I also am spending time refocusing on God and His plan for me. I’m trying to let go of perfectionism, in the home, spiritually, with my children… it all overwhelms me when I can’t do things the way I think they should be done. And trying to just accept that I ‘can’t do it all’. I know I have let some things slide, like some areas of child training. I was too tired to deal with the strong wills and now I will need to reap some of that. But I was just to tired to fight and not strong enough, so I would give into them.
 
I know somethings I can’t help, I know it in my head, but now I need to work it out in my heart. And just accept that God has a plan and purpose in this too.
 
My ‘illness’ could have went on much, much longer before we found out what was wrong. I could have gotten much, much sicker. It is another one of those things that God revealed to me earlier then some others.
 
This is doing me lots of good… writing it out like this and realizing the blessings that are woven into the hard times. God is so good!! Even though this path is not the easiest, He has shown me over and over that He cares and is leading!!
 
(I know this is all disjointed, but that was the way I was feeling as I wrote. I am feeling much better now!!! Only 3 more days and I will be with my hubby!!! The weather is to be lovely this week… so maybe I will be able to enjoy it more. Last week was mostly cool and rainy. Thanks to all of you who are praying for me, I can feel them!!! {And I am out of my box, btw!!:)})
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5 Responses to Randomness from Loneliness

  1. Liz Esh says:

    Wow Lois! I can feel so vividly so much of what you feel it almost hurts. Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, we will get through this even though sitting here I don’t feel as strong as that sounds. Thanks for your post. Letting go of our ideals, dreams, etc.. is so hard. I can so feel for you. I’ll keep praying for you. Don’t give up!

  2. Anna says:

    I didn’t want to read and not comment… You know you’re missed lots and prayed for lots these weeks:) Funny how much of your post I could identify with… Sometimes you feel the most lonely in a crowd, if ya know what I mean? Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

  3. Janien says:

    Hey dear friend, I was thinking of you yesterday and said to myself, hey I wonder what is going on with Lois, it’s been a few days since I heard anything from her, so thank you for the update, and yes I’m sure you wish you were at the funeral etc, that would be hard, or at least at home…hang in there God’s grace is always sufficient, and I need reminded of that too! there are many why’s in my life right now about various things, but keep pressing on, and with God we can do it!! I would be bored and feeling boxed in if I were you I’d tell you to sit and relax but I know I couldn’t if I were you so, do what it takes!!:) Enjoy the sunshine, and have a lovely time with Delvyn when he gets there! Thinking of you tons!

  4. Bev says:

    Love ya, Girl! Was great talkin to ya again! Keep hanging in there…

  5. Pingback: Florida + Lyme Treatments + Submissive Wife = Happiness | Tenderherb's Blog

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