‘Thoughts on Mother’s Day’

*To blog or not to blog. To write or not to write…*

The thoughts swirl around in my head. How do I even try to get them down on paper?? My Mother heart feels full and empty all at the same time!! How do I even express all that I am feeling?? Here it is, in all it’s unedited form… as the thoughts flowed from fingers to keyboard.

I have 3 healthy, happy boys. Even though one is banged up with a chipped elbow. He has been a super trooper through it all.

As I look on Motherhood and all it holds, it seems like so much.

So much to be.

So much to become.

So much I want to do.

So much I don’t want to do.

So much I have to learn.

So much I want to get just right.

So much I want to do over.

So much I don’t want to miss.

So much I feel I am missing.

So much I can’t stop, when I want it to stop.

What kind of Mom am I?? Or should I say what kind of Mom am I becoming?? How do my boys look at me? What do they think? Or what will they think as they grow up and look back on their childhood days? What will they remember the most?? What do I want them to remember the most? What am I doing to make that happen??

I look at other Mom’s and think, ‘If only…

…If only I had as much energy as she has…

…If only I could get out of bed so early each morning…

…If only I could whip up yummy treats in my kitchen every day…

…If only I had the energy to spend time with the boys the way they want…

…If only I didn’t get so worn out doing just the dishes…

…If only I didn’t feel so pulled between quality time with my boys or quality time with their dad…

…If only I had the patience of _____, life would be easier…

…If only I didn’t learn the lessons in life so hard…

…If only… If only… If only… it could go on and on…

What am I doing about it?? Do I constantly dwell on the negative?? On the downside of a low energy level? Or can I look for the positive things??

We can spend time reading, I can rest while doing that. Sorta… you should see the stacks they bring when I sit down to read.:) We can play quiet games of Memory or Uncle Wiggly. I can tell them Bible Stories. Do I look for those little moments? Or do I try to steal them for myself? I like my time too. Can I balance fitting it all in?? Can I keep my priorities straight??

As I am in the middle of all this, I look back on my childhood and realize just how much my own Mom sacrificed for me. (And my siblings.) What an example of being a Mom she has been for me… and too many times I don’t tap into that source of wisdom!! She listened to us and our problems by the hours!! She really truly cared for our hearts and wanted what was best for us. And she still does…

She will call me on the phone, and I am the one who ends up doing most of the talking! And she just quietly listens. In fact many times I have to ask if she is still there. Can I do the same for my boys?? Be a listener and not one constantly telling them what to do and how to do it… I figure many things out just by talking it over with someone else.

She has the biggest pool of patience!! Not sure how I missed out on it. *giggle* But I am slowly learning… and letting go of expectations!!

I want to look up to others, that have walked this path of Motherhood for many years, and learn from them.

Will my boys remember the messy, but relaxed, house or the Mom that was hollering at them about the messy house & cleaning up? Will they remember the stacks of dishes or the Mom that took time to read them the stacks of books?? Will they remember the time-consuming/fancy snacks or the simple cheese slices Mom brought outside to eat in a special place? Will they remember the scoldings over accidental spills and trips or the hugs they received after giving Mom a horrified look from their mess-up? Will they remember the sad look & complaining’s from Mom when he picked all her daffodils or her smile and shoulder shrug that she will just enjoy them next year?? (Which is what I did by the way!! I will enjoy them next year!! If the next one doesn’t do the same thing.) How will I be remembered?? How will I remember their childhood?? How do I want to remember their childhood??

And what am I doing about that?? I don’t want to dwell on the poor me… I don’t want to think of all the ‘what-if’s’ and ‘if-only’s’. Just put my heart into what we have and what we can do and let the rest go…

My first Mother’s Day was not spent in the way I expected. I expected to be 8mths pregnant, not have an empty womb. And God saw fit to take a 2nd one home with Him before that First Mother’s Day came as well. My Mother-heart felt so heart-broken, my arms felt so empty!! And I cried buckets. Life just didn’t seem fair. I wouldn’t have cared if I would live life half sick, if I could just have my babies!!

Life just isn’t always fair. Here I am, half sick and I have 3 babies. Who are busy growing… And not so much babies anymore. And I still find myself complaining… Wow, do I ever learn hard!! And I really should not complain, I am soooo much better then I was 6 mths ago. Life is getting better…

I am slowing learning. God has given me this season for a reason. Am I making the best of it?? I sure have a lot to learn!! And I keep learning and growing. Every. Single. Day. I want to become who HE wants me to become and be the best Mom that I can be. The Mom HE wants me to be. The Mom that my boys need. The Mom that will lovingly guide their hearts, mold them, shape them to be usable in God’s Kingdom!! The Mom that takes time for them. The Mom that makes memories with them. The Mom that loves them no matter how much they mess up.

Collin, Jevan and Rylen, I love you 3 so much!! You are my world right now!! I love you all more than you could ever know and more than I can ever hope to show!!! You are my treasures, my gifts from God!! And I thank God every day for you!!!

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2 Responses to ‘Thoughts on Mother’s Day’

  1. Riley Ferguson says:

    Undoubtedly. All things are difficult before they are easy 🙄

  2. Pingback: Selling Cookies and Filling Fountains | Tenderherb's Blog

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