I’m tired. My week was long and full and fulfilling. So why do I feel this way?? I have so many thoughts swirling through my head. I’m so tired, they don’t make much sense. But I’ve got to get rid of them some way. some how. But when I randomly type out my thoughts, my brain is going faster than my fingers could possibly ever keep up. It’s annoying that I can’t type real well. I wish it would just flow from my brain to my finger tips and I wouldn’t have to stop the trains of thought for typo’s and wondering where the ‘b’ or ‘c’ key is.
I didn’t have 2 boys today. I had my sister here. We didn’t do anything, other than talk. My brain is tired and full. My stomach and back ache. This brace is so tight, I feel bound up. I will heal!!
I feel inadequate to raise my boys. They are so time-consuming, full of life and energy. I can’t keep up. I keep messing up. I raise my voice. I speak sharply. I am tired. I get crabby. I feel bad. I apologize. I mess up again. I get impatient. I am rough. I tell them I don’t have time. I just need time to think. I need time to myself. I wonder if they are learning everything wrong, by my poor example.
My brain just shut off. It wants to be positive. But right now it’s finding that mood is a bit, well, hard to find.
I know God cares. I know God will give me strength and wisdom to raise my boys. One. Day. At. A. Time. Why do I think ahead? Why do I worry about all the tomorrows??
I worry because I care!! I care how my boys will turn out. I care who they are becoming. I care that they have hearts turned towards God. I care that they become the men God wants them to be. I care that they have tender, soft hearts. I care that they are strong. I care that they are brave. I care that they be bold in their faith. I care that they have strong convictions. I care that they know why they believe the way they do.
I CARE. But so many time I don’t care about answering the million and ten questions they ask in a day. I try to brush them off. So do I really care?? Do I care enough??
I often feel like they know more about cows, breeds of cows, cows due dates, dry off dates and calves birth dates then they do about Bible Stories, memorizing verses, wanting to go to church… etc. Am I the only one with boys who really don’t like going to church?? It’s a trial to sit for 2 + hours. And that trial becomes a trial to Mom while sitting there. Ummm, maybe I should reread my ‘Preparing For Sunday’ post. Maybe I should implement some more training at home.
Why does everything take time?? I don’t ever have enough. Are my priorities that out of whack?? Who DO my boys see when they look at me??
I feel like people judge me. I feel like everyone is watching me. Watching how I handle these 3 boys. Watching how they are being raised. Watching my every mistake. I want to give them 3 boys, who are in a row, and see how they handle them!! I want them to walk a mile in my shoes and then judge. I am not perfect. And it is helping me to look past others imperfections as well. The tired Mom who may be sick from something invisible to the rest of the world. Or mistakes made because of the way she was raised and is now trying to rise above it, over come it and she still messes up. The people I see in town, the mom’s with little ones… I just view all mom’s in a new way. Why can’t I just let it go?? Just be the best I can be, the best, as God keeps perfecting me. He has each of us at different points in life. We each have our own struggles. Why do I worry about what others are thinking of me??
I am tired, my brain feels fried. I think this ‘dump’ has helped. I could give, oh, so many excuses. They would all stem from Lyme. I keep reminding myself, God has me in this season for a purpose. I don’t have to understand why. I don’t need to know His reasons. I just need to trust and rest in His plan. In His will. He knows I don’t have the energy to keep house/yard/food/etc in prim order. He knows I don’t have the energy to chase the boys 24/7. (That’s why I get a 6 hr break every night. -On a good night. Why must they cry and have Mom holler at him that he may get up and go pee?!?!? Or why must he be escorted to the bathroom and then back to bed??) God knows I rely on others to help me, especially when away from home. God knows how it hurts my pride. He knows how it makes me feel inadequate. He understands this Mother heart, the longings to be the Mom that is inside and wants to be set free. He understands my short-comings. He knows how it hurts. It hurts when my boys ask to do something and I have to say, ‘No’. All because if I do it I will pay for it for the next, how many days??
He knows, but do I know just how much He knows. Do I know just how much He cares?? How much He really understands?? Do I really believe it, way down deep inside?? Does my heart understand?? This song comes to mind…
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow
all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Words by Frank E. Graeff
Casting all your care upon Him: for He careth for you!! 1 Peter 5:7