Does Jesus Care??

I’m tired. My week was long and full and fulfilling. So why do I feel this way?? I have so many thoughts swirling through my head. I’m so tired, they don’t make much sense. But I’ve got to get rid of them some way. some how. But when I randomly type out my thoughts, my brain is going faster than my fingers could possibly ever keep up. It’s annoying that I can’t type real well. I wish it would just flow from my brain to my finger tips and I wouldn’t have to stop the trains of thought for typo’s and wondering where the ‘b’ or ‘c’ key is.

I didn’t have 2 boys today. I had my sister here. We didn’t do anything, other than talk. My brain is tired and full. My stomach and back ache. This brace is so tight, I feel bound up. I will heal!!

I feel inadequate to raise my boys. They are so time-consuming, full of life and energy. I can’t keep up. I keep messing up. I raise my voice. I speak sharply. I am tired. I get crabby. I feel bad. I apologize. I mess up again. I get impatient. I am rough. I tell them I don’t have time. I just need time to think. I need time to myself. I wonder if they are learning everything wrong, by my poor example.

My brain just shut off. It wants to be positive. But right now it’s finding that mood is a bit, well, hard to find.

I know God cares. I know God will give me strength and wisdom to raise my boys. One. Day. At. A. Time. Why do I think ahead? Why do I worry about all the tomorrows??

I worry because I care!! I care how my boys will turn out. I care who they are becoming. I care that they have hearts turned towards God. I care that they become the men God wants them to be. I care that they have tender, soft hearts. I care that they are strong. I care that they are brave. I care that they be bold in their faith. I care that they have strong convictions. I care that they know why they believe the way they do.

I CARE. But so many time I don’t care about answering the million and ten questions they ask in a day. I try to brush them off. So do I really care?? Do I care enough??

I often feel like they know more about cows, breeds of cows, cows due dates, dry off dates and calves birth dates then they do about Bible Stories, memorizing verses, wanting to go to church… etc. Am I the only one with boys who really don’t like going to church?? It’s a trial to sit for 2 + hours. And that trial becomes a trial to Mom while sitting there. Ummm, maybe I should reread my ‘Preparing For Sunday’ post. Maybe I should implement some more training at home.

Why does everything take time?? I don’t ever have enough. Are my priorities that out of whack?? Who DO my boys see when they look at me??

I feel like people judge me. I feel like everyone is watching me. Watching how I handle these 3 boys. Watching how they are being raised. Watching my every mistake. I want to give them 3 boys, who are in a row, and see how they handle them!! I want them to walk a mile in my shoes and then judge. I am not perfect. And it is helping me to look past others imperfections as well. The tired Mom who may be sick from something invisible to the rest of the world. Or mistakes made because of the way she was raised and is now trying to rise above it, over come it and she still messes up. The people I see in town, the mom’s with little ones… I just view all mom’s in a new way. Why can’t I just let it go?? Just be the best I can be, the best, as God keeps perfecting me. He has each of us at different points in life. We each have our own struggles. Why do I worry about what others are thinking of me??

I am tired, my brain feels fried. I think this ‘dump’ has helped. I could give, oh, so many excuses. They would all stem from Lyme. I keep reminding myself, God has me in this season for a purpose. I don’t have to understand why. I don’t need to know His reasons. I just need to trust and rest in His plan. In His will. He knows I don’t have the energy to keep house/yard/food/etc in prim order. He knows I don’t have the energy to chase the boys 24/7. (That’s why I get a 6 hr break every night. -On a good night. Why must they cry and have Mom holler at him that he may get up and go pee?!?!? Or why must he be escorted to the bathroom and then back to bed??) God knows I rely on others to help me, especially when away from home. God knows how it hurts my pride. He knows how it makes me feel inadequate. He understands this Mother heart, the longings to be the Mom that is inside and wants to be set free. He understands my short-comings. He knows how it hurts. It hurts when my boys ask to do something and I have to say, ‘No’. All because if I do it I will pay for it for the next, how many days??

He knows, but do I know just how much He knows. Do I know just how much He cares?? How much He really understands?? Do I really believe it, way down deep inside?? Does my heart understand?? This song comes to mind…

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow
all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Words by Frank E. Graeff

Casting all your care upon Him: for He careth for you!! 1 Peter 5:7

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11 Responses to Does Jesus Care??

  1. Abby says:

    Your words sound very familiar to me this evening, because my mom has been struggling a lot mentally and physically the last few days. I’ll be praying for you as well whenever I pray for my mom. I can’t empathize with what you’re going through with Lyme, but I DO understand your mother’s heart and your desire to be there for your boys. God knows your heart, and you can trust Him to work even your “failures” for good. I believe your boys will grow up with a deeper sensitivity than most kids, and an understanding for suffering and God’s work through it. Praying that Jesus will reveal Himself to you in greater and more tender ways than you’ve ever experienced before.

    • TenderHerb says:

      Thanks so much!!! I have grown this past year, in ways I didn’t know I needed to. And I am still growing. And my relationship with God grows sweeter and closer each step. As I learn to lay down my own desires and wants. I never thought of my boys having a deeper sensitivity for suffering and pain. God may use it someday in ways I may never know. God works all things for His own good.

  2. marika says:

    Wow! It is so amazing to read a person be completely open and honest online. There is really nothing I could write to give you comfort in this pressing time. When I feel at the end of my rope the last thing I want to hear is the usual well-meaning “Just pray”,”It’s ok, tomorrow is another day”,”We are only given burdens we can carry..” Yes I know all that and it’s really great you think of me, but I am hurting and just need some time. From what I have seen on your blog, I really wish I could have it together as well as you seem to do.

    • TenderHerb says:

      Thanks!! No, I don’t have it all together!!:) But just knowing you care means a lot. I am feeling much better this afternoon. The dark clouds will pass and the sun will shine again. Some of the clouds are because I was so very tired. And when I lack sleep, I get overwhelmed easily. So hopefully I can catch up… One day at a time…

  3. Gina says:

    Love you Lois, hugs. I couldn’t help but think, as I watched a family say goodbye to their mother, they probably would be happy if they could have their mother still with them. Even if it meant she would be sick in bed, but they would still have her. So as i listen to your hearts cry, what ever it is you can’t do each day, at least they have you. You may not be able to do all you’d like, but they still have you. Just do what you can, but be there for your family. As they look back over the years, they won’t remember how well the house was cleaned or how great the food was, but they will remember the time you spent with them. So don’t worry what others think, do the best you can that you know is what is best for your family. And look to Jesus for his approval instead. Praying for you.

  4. HveHope says:

    TenderHerb-

    You are NOT alone in ANY of the feelings you expressed here. All of them, I would have to say, I have felt, especially when my 3 Kiddos were younger. The Lord saw fit to bless me with only 1 boy, and I just can not even imagine having 3 — and he’s a moderate-energy guy!

    Oh, I forgot to mention, I have Fibromyalgia (you may be familiar with it? It is an (incurable) pain disease that involves bone-deep exhaustion as well and I am in bed more days than not), so I can very much relate to what you wrote. Mine are now getting older (oldest is 16, youngest is 9) and it is getting better.

    The baby and toddler years, for me, were the worst not just because of the obvious reasons (they are so dependant, , but also because I was intensely grieving my ‘old, energetic self.’ It has gotten much, much easier in many respects as the children have become more independent.

    A verse that I OFTEN pray is : Lord, please restore the years, the experiences, the lost opportunities, etc., that the locusts have eaten.”

    “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten–the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm–my great army that I sent among you. Joel 2:25. New International Version (©1984)

    So, we can be encouraged, because this is His promise and He is faithful! Also, He knows we are made of dust and are so very fragile (esp. when we are exhausted!), so He will be especially kind (ref: Psalm 103:14 et. al.) and understanding.

    By His grace alone, HveHope

  5. Tracy says:

    Lois, this post could be from a lot of moms, I think. We all feel we have shortcomings as mothers and we all wish we could do better. I have to admit that the third paragraph describes me so often too and I don’t even have Lyme! But if we were perfect , then we wouldn’t need Jesus. And the best mothers are those who depend on Jesus every day and and ask for their children’s forgiveness when needed and keep on trying! I’m sure you are a wonderful mother – we need to pray for each other, because it IS hard work! And btw, I have several children who don’t like church,either (at least the sermon part) so you are definitely not alone! Prayers, Tracy

  6. Anna says:

    “I feel like people judge me. I feel like everyone is watching me. Watching how I handle these 3 boys. Watching how they are being raised. Watching my every mistake.” You wouldn’t feel any less this way if you only had 1 or 2… Its so easy for us to feel judged by everyone around us, but God’s really been working on me. So other people think my journey isn’t “right”? But I know that I am following God’s will for my life and that’s what counts! God has given us all different journeys … we all have different things in our lives that need to be re-shaped and molded and its going to take different “hard times” to make us into the people God wants us to be. Don’t let Satan use this to get you down 🙂

    • TenderHerb says:

      Thanks for that!! I needed the reminder… it doesn’t always bug me, but there are the certain people around that just make you feel like you are not doing it right.:) But I know I need to just let it go and do what God wants me to do.

      • Anna says:

        (sorry, wasn’t meanin’ to preach at ya;) Just some of the stuff I’d be thinkin’ lately.) I know exactly what ya mean…and why is it SO easy for us to get wrapped up in how we look to everyone else? Someday I just hope I get this all figured out:)

  7. TenderHerb says:

    I think it is all a journey that God takes us on. It is different for each person and we all learn at different paces. Why is it then that we think everyone needs to be on the same page?? Not just me thinking that of others but others thinking that about me.:) It’s all so complicated. But I’m learning to just let it go and just trust God and go where He is leading. Some things just take time…

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