Not so long ago, I would plan my week very loosely. And not much in each day. If I had to run to town that is all I would do. If I did wash, that’s all I did. And many days my wash would not even get finished. If I needed to make extra food, that’s all I did. As in, doing more than a normal day of dishes, food making for survival, hopefully get the kitchen floor swept, etc. I think you get the picture. Even though in the past yr I have felt better than I had in the couple yrs previous, I still could not do a whole lot without wearing out. I just took it one day at a time.
Well, this week started out with a bang and just kept going, FULL BLAST!! And well, I just kept going with it and adding more and more. I kept waiting for a crash, but one hasn’t come yet. Every night I have gone to bed tired. But a good tired, like one of having worked hard and is just tired out. (Post coming up with LOTS of picture of our week!!)
Thurs evening, as I was lighting the fire in the fire pit outside for a hotdog roast with the boys, it suddenly hit me and I wanted to stand there and weep. (It still makes me emotional now as I write about it.) I realized just what I was doing, and doing because I FELT like doing it. Not doing it because I was tired of telling my boys ‘no’ for the 129th time. I also started singing and telling the boys, ‘I feel so good’! I wanna spend this time with you. I wanna doing things with you. I wanna make fun memories with you. I am tired of having to say ‘no’ because adding another thing in my day will just make it harder on me and wear me out so much.
So many days I wanted to cry, they would ask me for simple things, a hotdog roast, a bike ride, a walk, games in the evening, a fun snack, go somewhere fun, just whatever, and I couldn’t do it without being so worn out I could hardly make supper. Or do some other needed activity. I felt like I was robbing the boys of memories they deserved to have. I felt so guilty in not being the mom they needed.
As they were growing up physically and emotionally, I watched as I was not able to correct and train in the ways they needed. I did what I could, but many times had to turn away. I had not the energy to run after a disobedient child, or the energy to deal with a strong willed attitude. I had to pick and choose my battles, and many times I didn’t bother to fight. Is it easy saying this stuff? No, I wanna go delete what I have written. I don’t like admitting I failed. I know I probably could have done better in some areas. But then came the inconsistencies. Some days I would have energy to train and other days none at all, so they got by with more things. It was a struggle for me and confusing for them.
A week ago I ordered some charts for training, and it has been a life safer. I really think it would have worked when I wasn’t feeling good. But I didn’t think about using them, even though I had known about them. I didn’t know they would be so good. For each ‘crime’ there is a Bible verse and then a consequence. We (Delvyn & I) chose what it would be. Now, if they commit the offense, we can look at the chart and they know what is coming.
And I will say, it’s not been the easiest week of our lives, as we re-establish order and discipline in our home. But peace is beginning to reign once again. I am seeing the fruits of the labor. Although I know it’s not all done yet, more like just beginning in a lot of ways.
As I can do more work WITH them, and not always try to make them do things. They are enjoying life better too. Learning to work together better, and enjoy working. Not feeling put out because Mom isn’t working but making them work.
Many days or should I say nights, I would lay in bed and wrestle with this whole thing. Crying out to God, as to why He would allow me to be ‘sick’ at this stage of life. When my boys needed me, my husband needed a supportive wife, when I had so many things I wanted to do and could not do it. Or I could do it, then my family would pay by having their Mom crash for days afterward. I know God had a reason for this, or allowed it for a reason. I may never understand the why’s, but I really don’t need to.
But now after this past week, I feel hope. I have literally been doing 2-4 BIG things every day!! And still going… I feel so good. I feel so alive. My brain doesn’t feel bogged down and so muddled when I have a bunch of things going. I can do last minute things and not feel out of control. I feel like I can just breeze through the day. And many times stopping and Thanking God for giving me my life back!! Many times I stop and ‘look at myself’ wondering who I really am, thinking, ‘Do I even know you? Where did you come from? And please, even though I don’t know you so well, please don’t go away again!!! I want to get to know this new you!’
Will I still have bad days? Probably. We all do. And really, I told my hubby the other day that I almost miss those ‘do-nothing-days’. I didn’t feel guilty for sitting at the computer, or for reading books as I didn’t have energy to be doing anything else anyway. Now, if I sit too long I feel edgy and have to go do something. Many times I wondered if I was addicted to FB or reading blogs and such. But on my feel-good-days, they were the last things on my mind, so I knew I really wasn’t. And it’s been that way now. I don’t feel the need for those ‘breaks’.
God is so good!! He has answered my prayers in ways I never dreamed! And I am still watching them unfold before me. And I can’t wait to see what all He has in store in this next chapter of my life. I am still learning to just trust Him, resting in His will, waiting for Him to lead each step.
I am so thankful for some natural products that have helped me rebalance my body. A God-given plant based supplement that has been helping so many people.