How many times do we look for our security in our husbands? I know, what a question to start with. But it was something I was dealing with only a yr ago! I didn’t understand what was in my heart or why I responded the way I did in many situations. I didn’t know I was seeking my security in my husband, instead of in God!! As I have watched other wives struggle, I can identify. I was there!!
What changed? Him or me? It is rather obvious, it was ME!!! He didn’t need to change. God made him just how he was suppose to be – PERFECT!! For ME!
Why could I not accept him, accept his love, the way he loved and the way he handled life? Why did I think I needed to change him? Why did I have to live in fear and doubt that this is where God wanted me?
Maybe I should start back at the beginning… To put it frankly – I lived in fear. It had a grip on me I didn’t understand. The days leading up to our wedding were so full of fear. If someone would have offered an easy way out, I would taken them up on it. But with trembling heart, I committed my life to his. The only thing I held on to was the way God had brought us together. I knew deep down in my heart, I was to marry this man.
Our honeymoon was fraught with tears. I didn’t know what to do with his unconditional love. I craved it, yet feared it! It was all so bittersweet. We didn’t understand in the least bit what was happening in my heart & my emotions.
As the years sped by, we lost 2 babies & had 3 boys in 4 yrs. We poured ourselves into them. I was learning to love him. But still feared so many things about ‘us’.
As I watched other wives relate & interact with their husbands, I marveled at the carefreeness of their relationship. The way they interacted with each other and most of all the love that seemed to show for all to see. One thing I could never understand, was how a wife could go to the door after being apart for the day, and greet her hubby with a hug & kiss. Me? I would stay away, and let him come find me!! Oh, I would try it for a while. But that fear of love, of him, of myself, was so big!! I could never overcome it. At least not on my own!!
I didn’t understand my heart. I wanted to completely trust my husband. I wanted to freely love my husband and be able to love up on him, the way God intended. And many times I thought I was. But something would always come up. I was never completely free!! But what was it? I could never lay my finger on it.
Things escalated and came crashing fall of ’12. I finally told him we either needed to go get help somewhere together or I was leaving to go find help. My heart was a mess. My relationship with God was a mess. I was ruining my relationship (what was left) with my husband, with those around me and with my boys. I knew things needed to change.
God brought about an amazing series of events in the next few yrs, that only HE could orchestrate!! A couple days being alone (for me), a slip-slop week of counseling that gave us a few tools to use to work on understanding each other. And then a pregnancy when we least expected it, (he was born fall ’13). Spring of ’14, I started renewing a friendship with an old friend from years ago. It was obviously God’s prompting!! A visit to their home began opening our eyes to the darkness around us and in which we were living.
The next 8 mths were rough as we tried to understand what they were showing us. I say rough, but in many ways it was better. We had a renewed hope for ‘us’. God was working in ways we had no idea of what all He had in-store for us.
Then in Jan. of this year, we went to a conference of some intense teaching for 4 days. Little did I know just how BIG this weekend would be!! My eyes were being opened in ways I never had seen before. I realized for the first time, that my life was NOT surrendered to God. He was not LORD of my life like I thought. I was living in so much fear, hurt, pain, believing lies and burying so much stuff, I couldn’t let God into my life!! I realized I was not a Child Of God’s!! And one night I finally surrendered my whole life to Him!! Oh glorious freedom and victory!!!
Our marriage immediately began to heal!! It had NEVER in all our married life been like this!! It didn’t take days of counseling or weeks of working through things. It just took me surrendering my life to God to change things. I was FINALLY free of so many chains and so much bondage that had held me back. And I sit here weeping as I remember those days. Living in the bondage, and the roughness of our marriage. And marvel at how God has redeemed us!! Healing our relationship in ways we never even asked, as we never thought it possible! It is so beautiful!!!!
Over the weeks and months, I kept noticing small things that changed. And it was not on my hubby’s part, but on my part. Or he was changing because I had changed? I didn’t keep track of who was changing where. But I no longer feared hearing his footsteps coming to the door. I no longer resented his ‘coming from behind’ hugs that felt like he was asking for more later. I didn’t desire for him to change or to make changes. I could love him, in the bedroom, freely and without reserve. I was loving him for HIM!!!! We began the honeymoon we never had! And we were still living our day to day lives. We had 4 boys who got splashes from our love, and they were blossoming.
And in all of this, I freed my husband!!! I had put so much pressure on him to preform to please me, he was not himself. He worked so hard to keep me ‘happy’, but it was still never enough. He was so worn out emotionally, spiritually and physically. I was a very leaky, holey bucket into which he could never pour enough love, time, you name it… it all went right through. So yes, he did change. But not because I was asking him to.
When my security was placed in God’s Hands, THEN is when I was no longer looking to my husband to be the perfect person to fill that void in me. God took away my fears – fear of man, fear of love, fear of hurts/being hurt, fear of rejection… this list goes on!!! In finding my freedom in Christ, I became free to love God, love others, trust others and let others be who God wants them to be!! I am blessing my husband without realizing how much love is splashing over onto him. It’s contagious and just keeps growing and multiplying!!!
And I need to share the BIGGEST God blessing’!! I am due with #5 in 11.5 wks, Oct 15th. God gave us this gift, right over my own New Birth!! And He is blessing us with a little girl after 4 boys. Many, many tears have been shed as I look back at the past. I feel so humbled, so unworthy of this gift God is placing in our arms!! Many times I have ‘demanded’ things of God. Then was upset when I didn’t receive them or felt guilty when I did. This time, I truly see this as a gift!!!
God is an awesome God!!! And I marvel at my relationship with Him, at how He never gave up on me, and I can finally see Him as a LOVING Father!!! I know there is more to this story, another side of it. I am only sharing the marriage side right now.
And for those who love a Love Story, you can find mine here, Part 1.
Photo credits – JT Photography Summer ’14