Let Go and Let God…

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My dishes are stacked high in my sink. It’s only dishes from Sat. night’s pizza supper, made by my wonderful sister who is up from St. Louis. Dishes from our Baked Oatmeal w/ apples breakfast. And the dishes from the Mexican Lasagna, again made by my wonderful sis. And it was the BEST. But here I sit… knowing there is work that is waiting. But my boys are happily watching ‘Shaun the Sheep’ (for the 10th time in a week). My Sunday afternoon nap was awesome. It’s the only day of the week my body will let me take a nap without feeling guilty for all the work that needs to be done. No.Matter.How.Tired.I.Am. And so I type…

Letting go… why is it so hard??

Let Go and Let God

As Children bring their broken toys,

with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God,

Because He is my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him

in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help,

with ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back again

and cried, ‘How can you be so slow?’

“My child” He said, “What could I do?

You never did let go.”

I have had this poem on one of those ‘Pass It On’ cards, that were a rage when I was in my teens. But I love it and am touched every time I read it. (It is in my Bible.)

And this morning as I lay in my bed, writing and thinking, I thought of it again. As I once again realized I just needed to ‘let go.’

‘Let Go’. Oh, I am finding it hard… And it seems just when I think I have laid it all down, something comes up again, and I realize I have never totally left go. I probably did for a time, but then picked it up again.

With the New Year looming before me, and after feeling so good the whole month of Dec., I was so looking forward to making some changes around here. I wanted to have a better routine in our days. And just more structure to our life. Ever since Sept. we’ve been kind of ‘flying by the seat of our pants’. We get up whenever we feel like it, eat whenever our stomaches ask for food, and only do what needs done. 

Then Friday HIT. Or should I say, I hit Friday. And crashed. My lyme caught up with me, and I had a relapse. All week I had been noticing my energy levels were lagging, and Fri. they totally gave out. I didn’t leave the house but to go to the Chiro. on Mon. (And rescue 2 babies trotting down the road on Wed. Or was it Thurs.?? I don’t remember.) It was quite discouraging to say the least.

Yes, I am back to feeling like a recluse again. I’m perfectly happy with that. And no, I don’t like it. It’s easy to feel like people don’t understand. And I know most don’t totally understand.  It’s easy to feel judged. I make decisions that not everyone understands. I feel like I live in a world all my own.

I can’t sit… It’s plain and simple. And church benches are the worse!! Chairs a runner-up, but in them I can angle my leg to hang off the side, which helps to a degree to lessen the pain. I just live with constant pain in my hip. I just don’t say a whole lot about it. I sleep with 3 pillows and my hubby. {smile}

I know I just have to follow my heart and do what I know is best for myself. But many times I don’t even know what it is. There are so many options out there for Lyme Treatments. And so many opinions for what to do… Opinions of people who haven’t even studied into.

In Nov. a Lyme Buddy and friend contacted me with some new info. And that she was going to Florida for 3wks for some intense treatments. Since then we have been praying about it all. And wondering if it is the path we should take. It has been weighing on my mind… It just bugs me when I don’t have a plan!! And the future just looks wide open and there isn’t any direct plan laid.

This path seems hard and kinda long. And at this point I am not going to go into many details. I have really wrestled with this path, as it means wks being away from my family and friends. And going through some intense treatments. Knowing I will not be able to drive there, so taking the boys with me is a slim option, as flying is not cheap. Knowing I won’t be able to take care of the boys while going through the treatments, but the thought of leaving them (and my hubby) behind is hard. Plus I will need to have someone with to take care of them. And knowing the cost of it all… It won’t only be a one time thing.

We actually were not pursuing it, as I seemed to be doing so good. But now that I’ve had a relapse, we feel God nudging us in this direction. Pray for us as we keep seeking God’s will. It will not be the easiest path to take.

But after weighing the options of fighting Lyme for years, or going an intense natural route, that should only last a year or so, depending on how hard and intense I hit it. It just seems a better plan. Plus I won’t be filling my body with lots of antibiotics and reeking havoc that way.

So I am once again, laying down my own plans, my own desires… My wants and my will, at God’s feet and saying, ‘Yes, Lord. Your will be done. As I sail this ocean ‘alone’, Your hand is guiding me. Even though I don’t always see or feel it. I know it’s there.’ The clouds may feel dark and depressing, and yet I see a tiny glimmer of hope, a small ray of sunshine peaking through and I am not alone!!

*Think I’ll go tackle those dishes now. The movie is done and the boys are wanting a Sunday Supper of popcorn and tea and whatever else we find.